My goodness motherhood:
How rewarding and also incredibly hard you are.
As I lay in bed I realize I’ve forgotten to write Case’s third birthday letter, the one I do every year to tuck away for when they’re older. I need to write that tomorrow I think as I fall asleep….angry and disappointed at myself for forgetting.
I wake up at 5am for work and realize I bought but didn’t set up the streamers on his door, and the package of 15 balloons was lying on the counter untouched. Every year I make sure they walk out to streamers and a hallway full of balloons when they wake up to celebrate their day. No way that I can let him run out without that surprise. So I brush my teeth and hop on one foot throwing my shoes on with one hand while I blow up a balloon in the other. I sprint around trying to find the tape in the dark and get the streamers up pushing the clock knowing I need to rush out the door. Halfway down the road I realized I forgot a bra, good thing that’s not a huge problem thanks to Dr. Arledge. Sheesh Alex pull your shit together.
Damon and I had needed a date night for awhile, so I took the initiative (that was a success in itself, not to mention the buildings I have to knock down to get a time planned and a sitter) to set one up for Friday night earlier in the week, not realizing that Friday’s date was the 14th, Case’s birthday. I felt guilty that I didn’t put that together, but didn’t have the guts to cancel because like I said…we NEEDED that date. So I spent the whole morning gushing over him to compensate, and honestly by naptime I was more exhausted than the boys were. We had lived an entire day in a 5 hour span to make Case feel special so I wouldn’t feel so bad leaving him that evening. By naps I was so tired I chose sleeping with them instead of writing that letter, it’ll get done, just not today I thought.
Motherhood is so complicated. It’s full of happy and rewarding times, laughter and pride, and so much joy and fulfillment. It’s also brutally hard. It comes with doubt and guilt, new frustration you didn’t know existed, and scrambling and exhaustion you had no idea were possible to live through.
Case watched Frozen earlier this year and is now completely obsessed with Elsa. I mean, crazy obsessed. All he wanted for his birthday was an Elsa cake and doll. While Damon and I were more than happy to give him what he wanted, regardless of the “less boy-ish request”, there were comments made that made me wonder if we were pushing something on him we shouldn’t.
Seeing his joy after opening his gifts confirmed it though, the gender thing is fully inconsequential at this point, and at his age is probably just a stage. Buying him a doll and a princess book was worth every questionable contemplation when it was received with so much happiness. But it didn’t come without several conversations and wondering if we were making the right decision. On a GIFT. That probably wasn’t even an issue years ago, but now was something we actually had to have a conversation about.
Every day it seems like parenting comes with new challenges. I’ve always told other moms I don’t know that any stage is ever easier, the difficult pieces are just different. I have always been grateful for parents who have shot us straight, having kids is wonderful, but it’s also incredibly hard. My kids aren’t in their core bad people, but they are certainly challenging. I, unlike the unrealistic view I had prior to kids, do not love all parts of motherhood. Some days I’m digging to find the joy. But hanging onto the reminders…the little smiles over ice cream, the outrageous laughs over making up non-existent words, the awe in their faces when they do something new and exciting, brings the warmth back, and reminds me why the push is there – the hard makes us appreciate the special moments in a deeper way.
Mom’s need to support each other and acknowledge the suck. Having that group that relates and can build you up and drag you through makes it more bearable.
Because my goodness motherhood, you are an incredibly messy, challenging obstacle course with the most rewarding experiences, and a never ending finish line. ❤️